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Music to Get Divorced By By Dennis Stewart |
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Two
quick facts:
After more than 30 years of practicing law, handling divorce cases, and presiding over protective order cases in northeast Louisiana, I have had the opportunity to observe first hand the devastating emotional effect that divorce has, on both men and women. In addition, I myself have been divorced more than once. Fourteen years have passed since my last divorce, but I still remember the pain. Furthermore, it doesn’t get easier the second (or fourth) time around. I’m not much of an expert on marriage, but I have learned a lot about recovering from a divorce. By the time I was 24, I had always succeeded in everything I tried. Then I married, and I experienced failure for the first time. My inability to sustain a successful marriage left me miserable and frustrated. To make matters worse, we had a beautiful baby daughter, and the thought of never being a real father to her left me devastated. I was at the lowest point of my life. There was a pharmacist in the building where my office was located, who was a couple of years older than me, and she had recently gone through a divorce herself. I found myself telling her my problems every day. We went to a movie together one night (appropriately enough, it was "Apocalypse Now"), and after the movie, as we sat on her couch, she held me, and she began telling me that she knew what I was going through, that she knew how much I hurt inside, that I was not alone, and that my life would get better. As she held me, and talked to me, the tears came. Up until that moment, I had actually believed that no one had ever hurt like I was hurting, and that no one had ever been as miserable as I was. You may be at that point now, or you may be there one day in the future. The most important point I could ever make in any article I will ever write, is simply this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I was representing a woman in a divorce several years ago, and I could tell she was extremely distraught, even though the only issues remaining were the division of some very insignificant (to me) items of community property, including an old used car and a what-not stand. Her suicide two days before trial astonished me. If I had been more perceptive of the pain she was going through, maybe I could have prevented her death. Maybe I could have reassured her that things would get better. So, if you are reading this and you are hurting, open up to someone and remember: Other people have hurt just like you are hurting, but they survived the pain, and they went on to become happier than they had ever been. And, you will too! Your life will get better. But, first you have to grieve. A divorce is very much like a death. In some ways, it is even worse, because when your spouse dies, at least you don’t have to go through the pain of seeing him or her out on a date two weeks later with your neighbor from down the street. Everyone who experiences a loss, such as a divorce or the death of a loved one, goes through a grieving process. First there is denial, then anger, then bargaining, and then acceptance. The process is painful, and you cannot push the pain away. You have to welcome the pain, you have to breathe in the pain, you have to embrace it, you have to wallow in it, before you can feel better. If you try to push the pain away, all you are doing is prolonging the process, and making it that much longer before you can be happier than you have ever been in your life. After my last divorce, I rented a house for three years on the bank of Lake Lafourche, between Rayville and Oak Ridge. I lived, literally, at the end of the road. At sundown, I would stand at my back door and throw corn in the yard, and at night the raccoons and the deer would feed. I had a bobcat for a neighbor who was so secretive that I saw him only six times in the three years I lived there. During the first year, I did a lot of brooding, and I read many self-help books, trying to understand why I kept losing the women I loved. I found a few answers, but mostly I grieved. I learned how to wallow in my pain, and that probably helped me more than anything. And, I discovered music to get divorced by. I found that listening to songs written by others who had experienced great hurt and pain in their lives helped me to cope with my own pain. Living at the end of the road like I was made it even better, because I could turn the music up really loud and not disturb my neighbors, except for maybe the bobcat. Jackson Browne’s music was the best. After his wife committed suicide, he wrote some beautiful songs. Listen to "Late for the Sky" or "Fountain of Sorrow" and you will feel it. His best album, however, is "I’m Alive", which he wrote after the actress Daryl Hannah left him for John F. Kennedy, Jr. In the title song he sings " I want to go some place where I will never hear your name", about how he wants to be free from his pain. But toward the end of the song, he realizes that he has survived the worse, and he expresses hope upon realizing that yes, he’s still alive, despite the hurt. Once you are starting to emerge from the grieving process, your best choice is Jimmy Buffett, the inventor of "escapism" music. My favorite Buffett album is A-1-A. I like "Life is Just a Tire Swing", especially the part where he sings about how he finally learned a lot about pain, and "Migration", where he sings about how he got married too early, and how it cost him much more than a ring, but now the craziness is over, and he came off the rebound, and figured out how to have fun again. All of us can learn from that. Two other Buffett songs to listen to in progression are "Coast of Marseilles", which is a slow song about spending all ones money to go someplace different in an attempt to get over someone, followed by "Cowboy in the Jungle", a faster song that tells you the right philosophy to have about life. So, if you are divorcing, or grieving for any reason, don’t be afraid to open up to someone, remember that you are not alone, and know that even though you must wallow in the misery for a while, one day you, too, will be happier than you have ever been. |
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